Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Investigation of a Internet Hater: Vladimir Lakic


Note I: A psychologist looked over Vladimir's writing and photographs and estimated he has a IQ of "below 20" indicating "profound mental retardation." However, he was "legally sane" and had the intent to insult others with his posts therefore I believe my investigation is ethical.

Note II: All words deemed too "complicated" for Vladimir are linked to their dictionary definitions.

Introduction

The internet has become a wonderful tool for spreading music, ideas and art to the masses with relative ease. However, with this great tool came unfiltered commentary by unqualified individuals who are free to post their baseless opinions and mistruths in anonymity without fear of consequence. Part of being a public figure is understanding that criticism is a part of the job and my team and I have a general policy of not acknowledging nor paying attention to haters. However, to help better market and develop my new CD I decided to gather information on and better understand a typical hater. In recent times I have come across a particularly obsessive hater by the name of Vladimir Lukic. The "aspiring rapper" has flooded the comment box of hundreds 0f sites that ran stories on me. He is easily identified by his poor grammar and ridiculous claims that I'm a "ustasa" and "albanac." What distinguished him from other haters was his compulsiveness and vigor which led him to be banned (under numerous usernames) from all my sites. His stalkerish tendencies escalated to messaging my friends and violating their vision and hearing by sending them links to his likeness and "music".

Due to these reasons I decided he would be the perfect specimen for my investigation on what makes a hater, a hater.



Who is Vladimir Lakic?

After some investigative work and background information I uncovered the rather shocking truth that the ultra-clerical Vladimir was actually raised by a same-sex couple. His father Branko married Dejan Lukic in a same-sex wedding ceremony in Connecticut in 2008. They are registered as being in a "same-sex civil union" in the state of Nevada. They are registered as living together at 4467 Bramblewood St Las Vegas, NV 89147.

In his autobiography Vladimir writes (in a weird mixture of second and first person) he was born in the (Muslim stronghold of) Zenica, Bosnia in 1989. This surprised me because due to his grammar and pictures I approximated him to be about 10 years ago. (Side Note: Research should be conducted into the possibly that being raised by same-sex parents stunts growth and handicaps maturity). It's also interesting to note on his MySpace page his hometown is listed as Krusevac, Serbia, which seems to indicate a inferiority complex and self-hating personality.

He continues; "I wasnt lookin for toys to play with i was lookin for a peace a bread cuz i was hungry." Due to readily available gay sex toys his father Branko had left lying around house, it is quite possible that Vladimir has subconsciously blocked out parts of his memory pertaining to his experiences with these toys.

He is "still waitin for hes big break i really belive i can be next big thing and get dat opprtunity" and is "good friend of ludacris signed to same label DTP willy northpole." These statements indicate in addition to being illiterate he is also delusional and a pathological liar. In the 5 years I have been in the music industry I have never come across anyone more horrendously atrocious and deprived of even the slightest drop of talent. His material should used to torture inmates in Guantanamo Bay or as an euthanasia agent to make people want to commit suicide and escape his punishingly retarded Boratesque voice.

However, because my opinion was biased due to him having insulted me, I sent his music to individuals who would be impartial and are players in the music industry. Among the recipients of Vladimir's audio venom were Ant Rich (Jive Records), Jay Gatzby (Bad Boy Records) and Laurie Dobbins (Violator Management). I knew I was sending absolute and indisputable trash which would risk my relationship with them but I was set on helping this unfortunate young man realize the product he was spewing was harmful to people's hearing. The responses I got ranged from "is this a joke?" to "never email me again" but all confirmed the reality that Vladimir Lakic is out of his villager mind in thinking his CDs will serve as anything other than coasters for cheap beer.



Conclusion

Prior to this investigation I tried to reason with Vladimir and offered to prove to him and provide evidence that I'm neither a Ustasa nor an Albanian. However the condition for me spending all this time and effort on a random hater was the understanding that should his accusations be disproved, he would perform fellatio on a local male prostitute. Vladimir refused and this showed to me he wasn't ready to "put his money where his month is" and didn't believe his own lies. The real reason for his quarrel with me stemmed from me ignoring his 100+ tweets and emails for a collaboration.

Vladimir - I'm not doing this because you're a retarded, ugly, delusional, sheep-fucking seljacina faggot , you can't help any of those things. I'm doing this because your jealousy has fueled you to spend days insulting and spreading lies about a complete stranger for absolutely no reason. It's ironic that a fat, inbred fuck from Bosnia would accuse me, who had 4 relatives killed at Jasenovac and whose grandmother is from Podujevo, of being a "ustasa" or "siptar." I studied ethnography and I'll pay for a genetic DNA test to prove that you're either a Vlach or Thracian whose faggot ancestors were raped by the Turks until that square, Quasimodo-looking face became the dominant physical trait in your queer family. I'm embarrassed that you tell people you're Serbian. You wanted my attention and now you have it: Fuck you, fuck everyone in your genealogical tree from your 2 faggot fathers (hahaha) to your hideous, artificially-inseminated whore of a mother, and all the way back to you, you fuckin jester. There's a bridge over Las Vegas Bay 15 miles from your townhouse, when you finally realize it's time to jump off let me know and I'll pay for a cab to come pick you up and take you there.

Ladies and gentlemen, there you have the typical internet hater of the 21st century: Vladimir Lakic