Monday, May 9, 2011

The Astrology File: Scientific Proof of the Link Between Star Signs and Human Behavior

Gunter Sachs killed himself yesterday and it reminded me of a book of his i ordered a while back called "The Astrology File: Scientific Proof of the Link Between Star Signs and Human Behavior"...now growing up when my mom and aunt used to tell me about this sign shit i thought it was all a bunch of nonsense..however one day when i was about 17 i was laying on my bed and i noticed something peculiar about all the posters in my room...most of the people i had posters of were dead (che guevara, 2pac, biggie) so it showed their birthday and death day...and all of them (like me) were born in June...upon further investigation even the other people who were still alive (lauryn hill, allen iverson) were born in June as well...i then began to do more research and noticed most people i admired were Geminis (malcolm x, socrates, johnny depp) and even other people who i didnt admire (kanye, jfk, marlyn monroe) i could at least respect their swag...i then noticed most people i can't stand are born in December and most of my friend's birthdays were in November and July and almost all the people i worked with had birthdays in January and late June (good order takers)...furthermore even though Gemini swag has almost universal appeal i noticed weird ass virgo and taurus women don't feel the kid as much(!)...all this empirical evidence led me to the conclusion that there is definite truth to the notion that your sign has a impact on how you act...there's obviously numerous other factors which shape a person but i personally believe the position of the stars at the time you first enter this earth has some sort of impact through some magical gravitational pull...think about it - if someone is born in the winter the first environment they experience is dark, gloomy, cold while someone born in the summer has a much brighter and warmer first impression of the world...this is all further magnified by time of day and geographical location of where one is born...however, being the Gemini genius that i am, i set out on a quest to find scientific and statistical proof ...i then stumbled upon this literary gem which Gunter published where he took the Swiss census and compared numerous categories based on what sign the people were born under...this is a very rare book so i will summarize the most interesting finds, enjoy!

LIKES TO DRESS SLUTTY: Libra and Scorpio...(Sagittarius is least slutty)

LIKES TO DRESS DISCREET: Gemini

OWNS A ROLEX: Libra

LIKES EROTIC MAGAZINES: Scorpio...(Aquarius least perverted)

CLEAN: Sagittarius...(Aquarius is dirtiest)

WORKS HARD: Virgo...(Gemini is laziest)

CARES ABOUT SOCIAL JUSTICE: Gemini

CARES ABOUT BEING RICH: Leo...(Libra cares the least)

WELL-GROOMED: Sagittarius...(Libras are the scruffiest)

GOOD CHRISTIAN: Libra...(Cancer care the least)

HATES FOREIGNERS: Cancer and Leo

THRIFTY: Pisces...(Libra are biggest spenders)

POLITICALLY RING WING: Pisces, Libra and Aquarius

POLITICALLY LEFT WING: Capricorn and Leo

CONSERVATIVE WOMEN: Capricorn and Taurus...(sluttiest: Aries *by far* and Leo)

THINKS THEY'RE FAT: Taurus

THINK HIGHLY OF THEMSELVES: Virgo and Leo

THINK THEY RUN SHIT: Leo

MOST LIKELY TO COMMIT SUICIDE: Taurus (shoot themselves) , Cancer (hang themselves) and Pisces (sleeping pills)

DIES FROM AIDS: Gemini and Libra...Virgo by far least likely

DIES FROM LIVER DAMAGE (ALCOHOLIC): Aries... Scorpio is least likely

DIES FROM URINARY INFECTION: Scorpio...Pisces by far least likely

DIES FROM BRAIN INFECTION: Leo

DIES OF HEART ATTACK: Aries... Sagittarius by far least likely

DIES OF LUNG CANCER: Libra and Leo...Aries by far least likely

DIES BY 'ACCIDENT': Pisces (by far)

DRUG DEALERS: Capricorn (by far) and Pisces...Cancer and Gemini least likely to sell drugs

DRUG USERS: Sagittarius. Scorpio and Libra...Aries and Pisces least likely to do drugs

THEFT: Scorpio and Libra...Taurus least likely

EMBEZZLEMENT: Taurus

FRAUD: Gemini

HIT-AND-RUN: Pisces

CAR THEFT: Sagittarius

DRIVING WITHOUT LICENSE: Pisces (by far)

WORST DRIVERS: Taurus (by far)

BEST DRIVERS: Leo and Scorpio

CAUSE MOST EXPENSIVE ACCIDENTS: Virgo

DRIVES MERCEDES: Leo and Sagittarius

DRIVES BMW: Libra and Capricorn

DRIVES FORD: Scorpio

HEAVY DRINKERS: Scorpio (by far)

WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME: Aries (by far)

DRIVEN BY FACTS AND NOT EMOTIONS: Libras and Gemini (by far) ...Leo and Scorpio are the most emotional

HELP PEOPLE IN NEED: Sagittarius (by far)...Cancers care the least (jerks!)

TOLERANT TO FOREIGNERS & OTHER RELIGIOUS: Libra, Aries and Gemini...least tolerant: Capricorn and Cancer

LIKES CATS: Libra

LIKES DOGS: Leos

LIKES TO STUDY: Libra...(Gemini hates it)

MOST LIKELY TO BE BLUE COLLAR WORKER: Capricorn, Libra and Scorpio

MOST LIKELY TO BE EXECUTIVE: Cancer, Gemini and Leo

MOST LIKELY TO BE SELF EMPLOYED: Aries and Aquarius

CARPENTER: Capricorn (like Jesus)

COMPANY OWNER: Leo

COMPUTER NERD: Scorpio

JOURNALIST: Gemini

COP: nobody, but Libra and Gemini are least likely

DOCTOR: Gemini and Taurus (wtf)

NURSE: Pisces

PROFESSOR: Gemini

PSYCHOLOGIST: Aquarius

PLAYS FOOTBALL: Virgo and Libra

TREE HUGGERS: Pisces and Taurus...(Leos don't give a fuck about environment)

POLITICIANS: Aries


*this isn't my own opinion the book actually has categories like "more conservative women" and "special interest in nature conservation"


ARIES
- political
- drink too much beer
- watch too much sports
- slutty women
- not religious

TAURUS
- tree hugger
- doesn't help others
- lives in small towns


Gemini
- movie expert
- drinks hot chocolate
- owns multiple houses
- lives in large household

Cancer
- owns a lot of cameras
- often makes home videos
- chews lots of gum
- lives in small towns


Leo
- likes motor racing
- watches too much tv
- gets divorced a lot
- same religion as their parents


Virgo
- loves fish as pets

Libra
- emotional rather than moral
- tolerant towards others
- university educated

Scorpio
- heavy drinker
- plays lots of golf
- smokes cigars

Sagittarius
- likes alternative medicine
- gets injured a lot
- helps people in need
- very active
- lots of single women

Capricorn
- buys lots of sauces

Aquarius
- doesn't watch tv

Pisces
- likes renovation
- likes guests
- tree hugger
- buys lots of lawn mowers
- likes music
- likes to dress comfortable


LEAST LIKELY TO DIVORCE EACH OTHER
Capricorn man and Pisces woman
Pisces man and Scorpio woman
Gemini man and Taurus woman (wtf)

MOST LIKELY TO DIVORCE EACH OTHER
Libra man and Aries woman
Aries man and Leo Woman
Gemini man and Capricorn woman (we get bored of them)

MOST LIKELY TO MARRY EACH OTHER
Capricorn man and Capricorn woman
Aquarius man and Aquarius woman

LEAST LIKELY TO MARRY EACH OTHER
Aquarius man and Taurus woman